Please Trim Your Verbal Hedges

If I had one wish

One dream I knew would come true
I'd want to speak to all the people of the world
I'd get up there, I'd get up there on that platform
(first I'd sing a song or two you know I would)
Then I'll tell you what I'd do
I'd talk to the people and I'd say... *

 

Stop beginning every goddamned thought with the word "so".

I know this is too much to ask so instead I would use my one wish to ask myself for more patience.  Yet more patience.

There's an epidemic inability to directly answer a direct question.  It's been going on for probably a dozen years, where people overwhelmingly are feeling a pointless need to stick the word "so" in front of everything they say.  An internet search will show articles dating back to at least 2010 about overuse of the word.

Here are a few examples of this countrywide softening of language.  I'd suggest that each line, on its own, is not something you would necessarily question, even though the word "so" serves absolutely no purpose, it still gets by.  My question is, when you stack enough of them up, at what point would the "so" filter kick in?  (if such a thing existed which it obviously doesn't.)

Q: "So, has deforestation been a problem in your state?"
A: "So, we've had deforestation here for a long time."

Q: "So, do you think racism has gotten worse over the years?"

A: "So, I think racism is expanding in ways we didn't have 30 years ago."

Q: "So, will I have to undergo radiation treatment?"
A: "So, we want to try radiation treatment in this case."

Q: "So, how old are you?"

A: "So, I'm 37."

Maybe if we were somehow forced to start every sentence this way we would finally realize how pointless and dumb it is.  Maybe, but sometimes the "so" people like to mix it up with a "yeah" as well.  Particularly when they've been asked something of a leading question.

Q: "So, I understand you had an interesting adventure one time in Banff."
A: "Yeah, so we were on vacation in Banff and a bear ate my sandwich."

Q: "So it says here you sing in a barbershop quartet."
A: "Yeah, so I sing in a barbershop quartet with my friends back home." 

Q: "So, you've been investigating the labor shortage and its impact on local businesses?"

A: "Yeah, so we're hearing from many local business owners who say the labor shortage has had a huge impact on their business."

I can only guess why this is happening, but I'll give it a shot.  It sometimes comes from people wanting to take ownership of the topic at hand, as if it's shorthand for "So what I had planned to talk about with you was..."   A second thought is it's a way of intentionally softening your approach because a direct answer somehow feels too assertive.

If the "So / Yeah So" people ever managed to drop that useless hedge, even once, I do believe they would see the light.  I think once you feel the clarity of a direct answer, you're hooked for life.

So there.

*Lyrical excerpt of "I Just Want You to Hurt Like I Do" by Randy Newman

Thoughts On Having An Affair In The Modern World

 I'm going to assume, once you have chosen a paramour, you will probably be communicating through modern means.  This will include text, social media, and whatever phone thing they think up next - but the one thing they all have in common is that they are all highly traceable and easily copied.  I think the days of The Cheever Letters are well behind us.

In light of that reality, you'd better be one silver-tongued son of a bitch, because when these illicit thoughts are exposed, that's your only chance of not coming off like a knuckle-dragger.

That's because pretty much all illicit thoughts are the same.  They all mention pretty much the same body parts and list of activities, and they're all going to sound dumb when a third party reads them.  

"I can't wait to meet up and xxxx xxx xxxxxx like xxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxxx"  

Or "I want to xxxx the xxxx of your xxxxx and I want you to be my xxx xxxxxx xxxx.  Can you do that for me?"

Probably less wordy but I'm keeping it PG.

So assuming the affair will one day be exposed and these texts passed around, I think it would be a much better look to have drafted some real prose.  Of course you're going to look like an idiot if you try to sound like Shakespeare, and frankly where an affair is involved, you eventually do have to get down to business.  It's for sure a tough line to straddle between "My bounty is as boundless as the sea" and "Send nudes", but I'm not saying I have a real answer for you.  I'm just offering the advice.  

Keep it in mind when you go to send that text, that none of that super-fun naughty excitement you're feeling is gonna translate.  It's all just gonna come off like base desires expressed with middle school grammar.  See if you can't find a more poetic way to ask for those nudes or meet at a cheap motel.  You'll thank me later!