Santa's Little Helper

What feels like 1,000 years ago, someone bought us this...


This is a dancing Santa. Push the button between his feet and he'll dance for, oh, I'd say about day-and-a-half while you listen to an irritating sample of someone trying to sound like Chuck Berry singing "Run, Rudolf, Run". When the song finally ends, you just push the button again. And you know what? It's fun every time. I mean every single goddamn time. Weeeeee! Look at 'im go!

But about an hour ago, Uncle Matt decided he'd had all he could take. Six years of that torture is enough. Maybe a lesser Uncle would've smashed the buhjeezis out of the thing and put the pictures on the Internet for everyone to see, but hey, it's Christmas. Let's see if we can't just, you know, "fix" it a little. So while people got to decorating the tree, I decided to open 'er up and have a look.



Right. It's actually a retooled Darth Vader action figure. That all adds up.



Hey, who knew Darth Santa was packin' those kind of glutes? (I'm just being kind here. Truth is, they were actually kind of "noggy".) But, thankfully, this isn't even where I need to be. The problem isn't coming from Santa's ass at all.



Oooh, looky... A little snip and Santa is quiet as a mouse, but don't worry kids - he still dances with all the zeal of a middle-aged James Brown hopped up on bathtub crank.

It's going to be a merry Christmas after all.