The Jade

We've had this jade plant around for a while now. It's been close to death several times and recently got some pretty bad news, so I'm taking a picture of it and putting it in the blournal in case this really is the end for it. It got all these microscopic white bugs under the leaves, and some plant geek told us there's a good chance these things have bored into the wood. If that's true, it pretty much means forget it. The suggestion was to cover the soil with towels and spray the plant with a 1:1 mixture of Murphy's Oil Soap and water. The plant can deal with the soap, but the soil no-rikey. Who knows what's next?

These plants are pretty pricey, but we only spent maybe $40 on this thing a long time ago. It grew a lot. Since people have to talk through the plant if they're sitting in this room, they tend to talk about it, which usually involves people saying things like, "Wow. That thing's worth a fortune. You could make a lot of money off that" which is stupid because, come on, are we really going to sell it? I don't bother pointing out that it weighs a ton and probably won't even fit through the door, and that we've had it for a long time and maybe that means something, too, but I usually tell people we bought it when it was small because I don't want people thinking we spent $350 on a fucking plant.

Anyway, this plant has seen plenty of other problems in its lifetime. It was somehow spontaneously spawning the occasional fly a couple years ago. The flies were exceptionally dumb as well, even for flies. They spent their whole lives trying to fly through the window, and they had no idea how to evade the oncoming Kleenex of death. Natural selection strikes again. Dumb bastards. But the wife figured that problem out, too.

That still wasn't the strangest thing we've seen happen to this plant. Not by a longshot. Little white bugs, flies... but who's prepared for this...



No one - that's who. No-freakin-body is. Some might be happily surprised by it, but no one is prepared for it. These things started sprouting up all over the soil. Of course, my first thought was that all the attention and general plant-love this thing received from the wife had obviously given it a rod. That only makes sense. Others suggest maybe I'm being replaced. Maybe jerking off into the plant all these years wasn't smart. I don't know. But the fact of the matter is, sometimes we have company, and unless it's those swingers from across the street, we can't have this kind of thing hanging 'round our house. It just raises too many questions. The solution was to move the plant away from the moist air of the open window and have the wife wear more flannel.

Because you're never gonna find condoms that small.