Strippers, probably.

    I never went to a strip club because it was my idea, but the two or three times I went, I saw some stuff. And I don't just mean the nekkid women.  

There was that time someone called over a stripper, pointed at someone else at the table and said, "This is Scott.  It's his birthday."  It wasn't Scott's birthday and I can't see how that would matter, but I guess maybe the only way to know is to try.  Fun Facts: strippers, by definition, don't care. 

There was the time that Brian, who was an excitable gent, found himself particularly attracted to one of the strippers and when she came over he basically announced that he wasn't going to be able to contain himself, whatever that meant.  Upon hearing this, the stripper opted out.  Brian spent some time in prison and died a free man not long ago.  You see, Brian got involved in dealing drugs for a time.  When plainly asked "why" by his friends, he freely admitted that he was not blessed with the type of brain that would ever land him great fortune, and he was perfectly happy to experience some amount of wealth even if it landed him in jail, which is a place he might well end up in anyway.  In the end it was brain cancer that got him but either way, clearly that stripper made the right call.

The story that sticks with me from The Brian Night doesn't involve Brian at all.  The group of us sat at a table, and at the table next to us was a young man who was paying a stripper by the song.  He had a roll of cash.  It was clear that he had become enamored.  If the direction of her gaze was any indication, the stripper seemed like she wanted to be anywhere else, but the young and evidently very incompatible man had a plan to slowly hand over his life's savings.  Now, once again for the record I would like to state (whether you choose to believe me or not) that I do NOT have much experience with strip clubs.  They honestly aren't my thing (and I know I'm not alone in that) but one thing I think everybody knows is no touching.  Right - well here's the part that sticks with me.

Shorty after we arrive, the stripper who is being monopolized by the young man with the bankroll manages to break free between songs, goes over to our table and, for no money, starts dancing for Joe.  Joe sits there with the body language of any normal person, that says "What the fuck am I supposed to be doing about this?"  Then the stripper says something in Joe's ear.  She motions to a bouncer (female!) who immediately comes over, and like an NFL ref negotiating a coin toss, the bouncer says something to Joe, says something to the stripper... and then Joe and the stripper start making out.

I say - Joe and the stripper start making out.

And the bouncer is right there.  I mean right there, squatting next to Joe and repeatedly clenching her fists to increase blood flow to her forearms, but the makeout session just ends.  The bouncer nods and says "Okay?"  Everybody nods and that's that.  The stripper returns to the young man with the bankroll.  I lean over to Joe and say "What did she say to you!?"  Joe said, "She said, 'I want to kiss you'."  And that was all.  Joe didn't ask her for anything.  He didn't pay her anything.  None of it was his idea.  Except walking into a strip club, I guess.

Again, I don't really know how strip clubs work, but I don't think they work like that.  Seems obvious that the stripper was trying to get the young man with the bankroll to lose interest.  But it didn't work.  She was back at his table right afterward.

Weird fuckin' night.