Speechless

I hope this doesn't come off like sour grapes or even laziness, but maybe it will and that's what you get because I don't have an editor.  I just heard someone talking about the key to good writing, and that to really get there you need to stop trying to paint yourself as the hero of the story - get your ego out of the way of the actual truth.  Here's my plain truth.

When it comes to creative jobs, you probably aren't invited to play in the sandbox.  It's a very exclusive club.  You don't just walk into a creative agency, tell them you'd like to be a photographer and they say "Okay, great.  Fill out this W4.  See you on Monday."

How does one break in?  I'm not really sure.  I can tell you how I tried... and failed.  Hard.

First, I'd like to say that the absolute worst kind of hack is the oblivious hack.  That's the person who has no idea how bad their work is.  It's the person who can't look at themselves with an objective eye.  It's the tone deaf singer who is just thrilled to be on stage.  It's a person who has no idea how much they don't know, and their self-serving lack of talent wastes everyone's time and money.  This is several steps below just not being very good.

For the past EIGHT years I've taken portraits of all the employees at a particular office as new ones are added and others just want a fresh one.  This started as a way to add new employee's photos to the website and my job was to more or less match the style established by the previous photographer.  Eventually there was enough turnover and enough retakes that almost all of the portraits on the website were taken by me.

Two years ago I started suggesting they think about a new backdrop.  I brought in many different backdrops to try and we took sample shots.  It was something for them to consider when they eventually refreshed their website.

The day finally came that they announced they were going to refresh their website and they asked me if I was interested in taking the photos.  I said yes - I have long waited for this day.  Full disclosure: I'm not a professional.  I have plenty of gear, I've been taking pictures for decades, I've even had a few published, but I never hung out a shingle.  They know all this and they asked me anyway.  I can't adequately express what it means to me to have provided every single picture for a company's website, and of course to do every single one of the portraits in a style that I have directed.

First there were scenic photos to take, photos of the office, people at their desks, people in meetings, etc.  These were all done in coordination with a person I shall refer to as the Web Mistress from the creative agency.  I sent all these off and the feedback was positive.  Then it all went silent.

I was just informed through a 3rd party that a "professional" photographer has been hired to do the portraits.

This either makes me the dreaded oblivious hack or it lends credence to the idea that some people are not invited to play in the sandbox.  I don't like either answer.  I also don't like the vote of no confidence after 8 years of doing the job.  I think this decision was driven by Web Mistress (I use the word "mistress" here because I don't want to say the word "cunt") but I don't care to hear that the office people were so easily swayed.  I tend to think they are doing what the Web "Mistress" claims makes her most comfortable.  I'm pretty sick about the whole thing.

Having this snatched away from me when it was just getting to the good part is a punch that went right through my chest.  While I very soon may be submitting an application to work at Ace Hardware, having that website to scroll through on my smoke break was going to be the light that kept me alive.    "I might be standing here mixing paint, but one time I got to play in the sandbox."  It was a laurel I would have been thrilled to rest on, but it just isn't going to be.  I don't recall ever feeling this disappointed and angry.

The best plan of action in a situation like this is to get serious, become a professional photographer and get some clients.  I have enough of a portfolio to prove I'm worthy of doing the work, and I know I am not oblivious.  Unfortunately at this particular stage of my life, the threat of Ace Hardware may be all too real.  Pretending, just for that moment, sometimes seems like all I had.  But then, if I get my ego out of the way and just tell the truth, I guess the reality is I never really had it.