Try, Try Again

 Keep plugging away!  You may have to go through an awful lot of noes to get to a yes.  Here’s a real world example for you.

Imagine a local company has posted a job, and you feel the description fits you to a T.  It encompasses three fields in which you are not only trained and experienced, but also have a genuine interest in.  You send a résumé posthaste.

A couple of quiet weeks later you get a rejection e-mail. This may confuse you but that’s fine. Just gotta get back up on that horse.

Lo and behold, about 18 months later the same job is posted.  You don’t give up!  Go again!  Submit another résumé!  This time mention that you are trying again because you are quite certain the job description fits you to a T.  It isn’t some kind of lark; this is a great match and you really think we need to meet.

Lo and behold, just a few days later, you are rejected once again.  This might be even harder to believe.  It could make you bitter, and that’s natural.  But you can learn from this.  Remember the great Nelson Mandella and his quote about how he only ever succeeds or learns.  Still, it’s understandable if you want to be a little upset.  We can’t overlook that part of the process.  Just don’t let it keep you down.

Lo and behold, TWO full years after that, the job is listed again!  Just because something appears gone doesn’t mean it’s gone forever.  We definitely have learned something here.

So you apply again, and this time you really tweak your résumé.  Taking everything you learned from the past two experiences, you really dial this one in.

Two silent and fairly long weeks pass, but then you find out you know someone who knows someone at the company!  An IN!  This is how things get done.  A phone call is made and your name is specifically mentioned.  Lo and behold, the very next day you are invited to a ½ hour video interview!

The very definition of perseverance!  I’ve always loved that book title “Getting To Yes”.  I’m sure it’s a fairly repulsive read, but the title has a lot of truth to it.  Almost reflexively, the world is a giant wall of “No” but there’s usually a “Yes” somewhere under that veneer.  The “No” is just human nature. Maybe a protective trait.  “Yes” almost always exists. You just need to find a way in.

Anyway they sent the rejection e-mail less than 24 hours after my interview.  Of course we can’t all win.

Buy a Crane

 The church burned.  No one was hurt, but the roof had caved in the area above the crypt for the Bishops.  A 15-foot statue of St. Anne remained atop the roof, but the area around it had been compromised and the statue had to be removed.  Bill owned a rigging company.  He volunteered to do the job.  Scully, then just an officer, was assigned the detail by his Chief. "There's gonna be a lot of emotional people there and I need someone I can count on."  A crowd of almost 400 people, all pretty emotional, had gathered to watch.  Bill lowered himself onto the two-square-foot patch of good roof near the base of the statue.  He loosened all 18 bolts, then hooked the strap around the arm and gave the spiraling finger signal to hoist away.  As the statue cleared the bolts, he looked down at Scully and gave a salute.  Scully took his hat off and placed it over his badge.  A cadre of photographers didn't miss the opportunity and Scully immediately went 1972's version of viral.

Bill died only a few years later.  A crane loaded onto his semi-trailer had shifted as he navigated a sharp on-ramp to the interstate.  He was impaled.  Scully eventually became Chief.

Yesterday I made a macaroni and cheese.  I don't even really like macaroni and cheese.

The Washington Generals

I'm pretty sick of lessons.  You can take a lesson from each defeat, but if you try, try again and only come up with lessons, what have you got?  I'm afraid you have to win in there once or twice.  Full disclosure: you actually have to win quite a few more times than that.  You just can't have fallen on your face a thousand times and come up being proud of how much you've learned.

I spent four seasons as an assistant coach for a school softball team.  A couple of those seasons went winless.  That was around 30 games in a row without a win - most times getting completely blown out.  One season had one win.  For the final season, I helped build a batting cage, got a generator so we could run the pitching machine outside, gathered more equipment for batting training, and went out there every day before practice to set it all up.  I also took slo-mo video of every player's swing so the coaches could help pinpoint ways to improve.  I kept stats at every game and offered advice on the lineup.  With our head coach being a Long Island native, I found out how they ran practices at Hofstra and got him to follow that model.

That season had three wins.  One of those wins was a playoff game, which the school hadn't seen since sometime in the 1970's.  The season still had plenty of blowouts.  My takeaway from it all is definitely not how much I learned.  Anything I learned about defeat, I learned within the first few games of the first season.  There are some useful things to take from defeat, but it's really not that complicated.

And coming up with three wins in a season doesn't suddenly negate all the defeat.  It's really not that simple.  There's only so much learning and character building a person needs to do.  Eventually you have to parlay it, otherwise it's pretty worthless.

Ode To Joy

 It’s fine.  Okay, not fine, but I’ve calmed myself down considerably.  I was able to color in a few details about what went so terribly wrong.  It’s really the same old adage about being careful where you hitch your wagon.

I’m not going to shed light on the details but I’ll say I encountered at least two people who didn’t like me (that happens all the time) and these were people that other people were very motivated to keep happy.  Quietly, not everyone thinks the decision made sense. 

I’ll only add that if I had not been fired, the photo job would have been finished three weeks ago.  As of now the finish date is still at least three weeks out.

What I know for sure is that all these ridiculous shenanigans completely killed the fun. I think the majority of people involved would agree on that.  Great work, people.

Yes, I See That It Is Dark

 I took this portrait of a gentleman who wrote a science fiction novel.*

*no not really but it looks that way and maybe the fact that I think so is what makes me a hack.

½

Dear Diary,

I suppose it could not have been the Web Mistress who was responsible for my firing.  Even though she name-dropped my replacement while I was still doing the job and I could see it coming a mile away, it is possible that the web steering committee at the office decided (not necessarily unanimously) they wanted a so-called professional. Oh - am I still on about this?  YOU BET.

Portraiture is an emotional experience for a lot of people.  A lot of people hate to have their picture taken and they are very quick to admit that.  I've taken portraits of people who are convinced they have a "good" side, people who are sure they are the least photogenic person in the history of people ("...and I know everyone says they aren't photogenic but I really am not photogenic"), people who smile confidently, and people who, for years, have simply refused to have their portrait taken.  Most people announce "I hate having my picture taken" and that's how we start the session.  All that does to me is quietly inspire me to give them the best portrait they've ever had. 

While I've surprised a few of these people over the years with a result that actually pleased them (and I can tell you that's a real moment seeing people decide maybe for the first time that they don't look so bad after all) there have been some who try and try again and never seem too enthused about the result.  I suppose it's important not to underestimate this lot.

The people who never seem too enthused about the result tend to be the people who are only capable of one pose no matter how much you try to coax something else out of them.  Some people smile only out of half of their face.  Have you ever had to ask an adult, "Can you please try smiling with both sides of your mouth?"  That's either there or it isn't.  Some people have a toothy smile, and some remain tight lipped.  I've asked the tight-lippers to show some teeth.  Some oblige. Some refuse. Some just can't do it naturally.  It doesn't always work, and it isn't always the look people want.  The photographic skill is in finding a place between what looks good and what comes naturally, and the bottom line is that the things that come naturally to you define who you are.  It's how you comport yourself.  Ever see a photo of Hitler with an ebullient grin?  Maybe that was a bad example.

People also, and this one is hard to believe until you've seen it, light up differently.  I can have everything set perfectly for one person, and then the next person stands in the same exact spot and everything is wrong.  Nothing works.  The eyes that were cheerfully accented with catch light now appear sunken.  The shadows on the face are now harsh.  The background is brighter or darker because the overall exposure has changed.  Everything is a complete do-over.  These are probably the people on the steering committee.  Also, good luck to the next guy photographing these people (except not really good luck.)

Other people stand in front of the camera and everything suddenly works.  Lighting is even and soft.  The smile (whatever it may be) is natural.  I've seen this happen with people of all different physical descriptions.  It could be anyone.  One thing I've noticed is that you really can't tell how someone is going to light up until you get them in front of the lens.

There are tutorials and instructions all over the internet to help with the many issues you'll encounter when taking portraits... if you know enough to recognize the issues in the first place.  That's half the battle.  

Not sure what the other half is.

The Peter Principle

Boy, that's an unfortunate name.

Irregardless, the Peter Principle says that you'll be promoted to the level of your incompetence.  It suggests that as long as you continue to excel, you'll advance.  That means once you stop excelling, you'll stop advancing.  That means eventually you'll land on the thing you don't excel at, and that's where you shall stay my friend.  

It sort of implies that everyone who works at the highest level in any department is incompetent, but the idea does come from a work of satire, so it isn't meant as gospel, but it does seem to have a grain of truth.  

If that grain of truth exists, it tells me I wasn't quite good enough to finish the photo job I was just ranting about in a previous post.  Oh - am I still going on about that?  YOU BET.  It says that my level of competence stops short of portraiture, which as I said, is kind of hard to explain after eight years of continually getting asked to do the job, and matching the look established by the previous "professional" photographer so they would all appear seamless.  It says that I should never have been selected to take any of these photos in the first place.

It also says that the guy who got the job probably sucks at it, too.  Except in his case it doesn't matter.

Imposter Syndrome!

 The latest in the armchair psychology craze, this term describes the condition whereby successful people - that is, people already doing the job, worry they may not actually have what it takes.  The nagging feeling that someone, at any moment, will gently tap them on the shoulder and say, "You've been found out.  I'm afraid it's time for you to go."

What's the term for when you don't get the job to begin with?

Anyway, based on the number of successful people who suffer from this fear, I bet that tap on the shoulder must be one of the worst things anyone could experience.

Speechless

I hope this doesn't come off like sour grapes or even laziness, but maybe it will and that's what you get because I don't have an editor.  I just heard someone talking about the key to good writing, and that to really get there you need to stop trying to paint yourself as the hero of the story - get your ego out of the way of the actual truth.  Here's my plain truth.

When it comes to creative jobs, you probably aren't invited to play in the sandbox.  It's a very exclusive club.  You don't just walk into a creative agency, tell them you'd like to be a photographer and they say "Okay, great.  Fill out this W4.  See you on Monday."

How does one break in?  I'm not really sure.  I can tell you how I tried... and failed.  Hard.

First, I'd like to say that the absolute worst kind of hack is the oblivious hack.  That's the person who has no idea how bad their work is.  It's the person who can't look at themselves with an objective eye.  It's the tone deaf singer who is just thrilled to be on stage.  It's a person who has no idea how much they don't know, and their self-serving lack of talent wastes everyone's time and money.  This is several steps below just not being very good.

For the past EIGHT years I've taken portraits of all the employees at a particular office as new ones are added and others just want a fresh one.  This started as a way to add new employee's photos to the website and my job was to more or less match the style established by the previous photographer.  Eventually there was enough turnover and enough retakes that almost all of the portraits on the website were taken by me.

Two years ago I started suggesting they think about a new backdrop.  I brought in many different backdrops to try and we took sample shots.  It was something for them to consider when they eventually refreshed their website.

The day finally came that they announced they were going to refresh their website and they asked me if I was interested in taking the photos.  I said yes - I have long waited for this day.  Full disclosure: I'm not a professional.  I have plenty of gear, I've been taking pictures for decades, I've even had a few published, but I never hung out a shingle.  They know all this and they asked me anyway.  I can't adequately express what it means to me to have provided every single picture for a company's website, and of course to do every single one of the portraits in a style that I have directed.

First there were scenic photos to take, photos of the office, people at their desks, people in meetings, etc.  These were all done in coordination with a person I shall refer to as the Web Mistress from the creative agency.  I sent all these off and the feedback was positive.  Then it all went silent.

I was just informed through a 3rd party that a "professional" photographer has been hired to do the portraits.

This either makes me the dreaded oblivious hack or it lends credence to the idea that some people are not invited to play in the sandbox.  I don't like either answer.  I also don't like the vote of no confidence after 8 years of doing the job.  I think this decision was driven by Web Mistress (I use the word "mistress" here because I don't want to say the word "cunt") but I don't care to hear that the office people were so easily swayed.  I tend to think they are doing what the Web "Mistress" claims makes her most comfortable.  I'm pretty sick about the whole thing.

Having this snatched away from me when it was just getting to the good part is a punch that went right through my chest.  While I very soon may be submitting an application to work at Ace Hardware, having that website to scroll through on my smoke break was going to be the light that kept me alive.    "I might be standing here mixing paint, but one time I got to play in the sandbox."  It was a laurel I would have been thrilled to rest on, but it just isn't going to be.  I don't recall ever feeling this disappointed and angry.

The best plan of action in a situation like this is to get serious, become a professional photographer and get some clients.  I have enough of a portfolio to prove I'm worthy of doing the work, and I know I am not oblivious.  Unfortunately at this particular stage of my life, the threat of Ace Hardware may be all too real.  Pretending, just for that moment, sometimes seems like all I had.  But then, if I get my ego out of the way and just tell the truth, I guess the reality is I never really had it.

High-Shelved Grocery Items Only Please

 In my entire life, I think I've seen maybe 10 actual service dogs.

Tarragon

 I love tuna salad.  I wouldn't say that out loud for obvious reasons, but I love it completely.  The flavor and texture.  The way that it's so easily complimented with a variety of additions like tarragon, or even raisins if you dare.  I like how it can be made more or less creamy depending on your mayo ratio...  It's pretty fantastic.  And of course, it makes me feel great when I eat it.  I love it so much that it's actually part of my personality (which I also wouldn't say out loud.)

If you come over to my house, I'm going to offer you tuna salad.  I'm sure you'll politely decline, but I will really play it off like it's no big deal to accept.  I've got plenty and I want to share.  Of course the truth is I really want tuna salad and I don't want to eat it alone, so I want you to have some.  And of course I would never just say that to you.

No - for real.  I want you to eat some, too.  Come on.  Let's both have tuna salad.

If we're all eating it, it's normal, which means I really can't be judged.  We can talk about things while we eat it.  Could be anything.  Doesn't matter.  The point is we are together socially and if we keep talking, we can eat more tuna salad.  To a point I suppose, I mean we can't just keep eating until we blackout or are unable to walk or drive back home.  You've got to keep an eye on it somewhat, but it does make me feel good and I really like it so I'll continue to find that balance - I hope.

If you don't like tuna salad, I'm still going to be pretty insistent that you have some.  Certainly a little won't kill you.  Here, let me fix you one and put it in front of you. My goal is to take it to the point where you feel uncomfortable refusing.  If you have a serious aversion to tuna salad or any of its ingredients, it's definitely going to get awkward and will pretty much damage the tenor of this social engagement.  It will hang like a pall over the proceedings, because like I said before (but not out loud of course), this get-together was really mostly about having an excuse to eat tuna salad.  I'm not that interested in standing around and talking if we can't have it.  I threw a party once that had no tuna salad and it didn't last long.  People very quickly had other things to do.

If you seriously just dislike it and seriously just won't have any (and, again, it comes in many different varieties - have you tried them all?  Have you had tried any of the really good ones?) well then we're going to have a problem on our hands.  Maybe the problem is you like it too much - like it's become a real issue for you.  I can respect your decision to stay away, but I'm just not going to call you to hang out.  Not only do you really not like tuna salad, but being around you sort of forces me to question my relationship with tuna salad, and I just want to enjoy myself.  I don't want to get bogged down in any self-examination or deep thought.  That's the exact opposite of what I'm trying to do here.

The truth is, you're not going to do that well in a corporate environment either, where everybody is eating tuna salad at all those important meetings that intentionally take place outside the normal work environment.  One of us is going to be feeling pretty good and enjoying ourselves quite a bit, and the other is going to be making that person question if they like tuna salad too much, and that is really not the place for the silent lecture, my friend.

Maybe you don't eat it for religious reasons, which is cool but I still judge you.  You might be too into religion, you know?  Still, there are plenty of people - most of us I'd say - that absolutely love tuna salad and love to get together and eat it.  It is a good time and we like to find or create opportunities to revisit that.  If you don't want any tuna salad for whatever reason, that's gonna be your problem to deal with and good luck with that but I'm gonna have some more tuna salad and enjoy myself because I love it and honestly I don't understand how you don't that's weird.

Life Advice

The only thing you need is drive.  

Don't conflate motivation with drive.  Motivation is great, but it's ephemeral.  Drive is hard-wired in the ON position.

Also, all life advice is reductionistic and oversimplified.

Please Trim Your Verbal Hedges

If I had one wish

One dream I knew would come true
I'd want to speak to all the people of the world
I'd get up there, I'd get up there on that platform
(first I'd sing a song or two you know I would)
Then I'll tell you what I'd do
I'd talk to the people and I'd say... *

 

Stop beginning every goddamned thought with the word "so".

I know this is too much to ask so instead I would use my one wish to ask myself for more patience.  Yet more patience.

There's an epidemic inability to directly answer a direct question.  It's been going on for probably a dozen years, where people overwhelmingly are feeling a pointless need to stick the word "so" in front of everything they say.  An internet search will show articles dating back to at least 2010 about overuse of the word.

Here are a few examples of this countrywide softening of language.  I'd suggest that each line, on its own, is not something you would necessarily question, even though the word "so" serves absolutely no purpose, it still gets by.  My question is, when you stack enough of them up, at what point would the "so" filter kick in?  (if such a thing existed which it obviously doesn't.)

Q: "So, has deforestation been a problem in your state?"
A: "So, we've had deforestation here for a long time."

Q: "So, do you think racism has gotten worse over the years?"

A: "So, I think racism is expanding in ways we didn't have 30 years ago."

Q: "So, will I have to undergo radiation treatment?"
A: "So, we want to try radiation treatment in this case."

Q: "So, how old are you?"

A: "So, I'm 37."

Maybe if we were somehow forced to start every sentence this way we would finally realize how pointless and dumb it is.  Maybe, but sometimes the "so" people like to mix it up with a "yeah" as well.  Particularly when they've been asked something of a leading question.

Q: "So, I understand you had an interesting adventure one time in Banff."
A: "Yeah, so we were on vacation in Banff and a bear ate my sandwich."

Q: "So it says here you sing in a barbershop quartet."
A: "Yeah, so I sing in a barbershop quartet with my friends back home." 

Q: "So, you've been investigating the labor shortage and its impact on local businesses?"

A: "Yeah, so we're hearing from many local business owners who say the labor shortage has had a huge impact on their business."

I can only guess why this is happening, but I'll give it a shot.  It sometimes comes from people wanting to take ownership of the topic at hand, as if it's shorthand for "So what I had planned to talk about with you was..."   A second thought is it's a way of intentionally softening your approach because a direct answer somehow feels too assertive.

If the "So / Yeah So" people ever managed to drop that useless hedge, even once, I do believe they would see the light.  I think once you feel the clarity of a direct answer, you're hooked for life.

So there.

*Lyrical excerpt of "I Just Want You to Hurt Like I Do" by Randy Newman

Thoughts On Having An Affair In The Modern World

 I'm going to assume, once you have chosen a paramour, you will probably be communicating through modern means.  This will include text, social media, and whatever phone thing they think up next - but the one thing they all have in common is that they are all highly traceable and easily copied.  I think the days of The Cheever Letters are well behind us.

In light of that reality, you'd better be one silver-tongued son of a bitch, because when these illicit thoughts are exposed, that's your only chance of not coming off like a knuckle-dragger.

That's because pretty much all illicit thoughts are the same.  They all mention pretty much the same body parts and list of activities, and they're all going to sound dumb when a third party reads them.  

"I can't wait to meet up and xxxx xxx xxxxxx like xxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxxx"  

Or "I want to xxxx the xxxx of your xxxxx and I want you to be my xxx xxxxxx xxxx.  Can you do that for me?"

Probably less wordy but I'm keeping it PG.

So assuming the affair will one day be exposed and these texts passed around, I think it would be a much better look to have drafted some real prose.  Of course you're going to look like an idiot if you try to sound like Shakespeare, and frankly where an affair is involved, you eventually do have to get down to business.  It's for sure a tough line to straddle between "My bounty is as boundless as the sea" and "Send nudes", but I'm not saying I have a real answer for you.  I'm just offering the advice.  

Keep it in mind when you go to send that text, that none of that super-fun naughty excitement you're feeling is gonna translate.  It's all just gonna come off like base desires expressed with middle school grammar.  See if you can't find a more poetic way to ask for those nudes or meet at a cheap motel.  You'll thank me later!

Single Vital Use Plastics

I would agree that the majority of bottled waters are pretty terrible and pointless, but...

People aren't really getting it with bottled water.  Drinking water varies widely in flavor and not all of it tastes pleasant, and you don't need to be a connoisseur to tell the difference.  The answer isn't simply to filter it.  Mineral content, pH level, and even silica content all play a significant part in creating a pleasing drinking water.  I have had bottled waters that I spit out due to some weird combo of sodium and sulfur content.  My tap water has a chlorine odor and overall harshness.  I've had well water that tasted like foot.  So it's folly to assume I should just get a reusable container and fill it up at any tap I see.  I can find any puddle after a rain storm and filter the water through a sock until it runs clear and is drinkable, but that doesn't put it on par with every other bottled option available.

My favorite water has a naturally soft (but not softened) mouth feel, and extremely smooth taste with none of the harshness that usually hits the back of your throat with most waters.  As a result of all this, the finish comes off as slightly sweet.  It's amazing.  It stands apart.  I'm always asking people to try it and one person had the best review yet - "There's no 'thing'."  It was my favorite review because I knew immediately the reviewer was referring to that back-of-the-throat harshness.

The person drinking a single-use plastic bottle of soda gets a pass ostensibly because soda doesn't (yet) come out of the tap, but we criticize the single-use water drinker because we assume all drinking water tastes pretty much the same.   It doesn't, and I don't need your lecture about how I'm being thoughtlessly wasteful.

Paramecium

I went to junior high school in a place called Slackerville U.S.A.  Most kids there just got through the day.  I don't remember much trying going on.  We'd hear stories about the big kids in high school who were able to leave during their free periods, and we couldn't wait for that.  The goal was to get yourself two free periods in a row, ideally periods one and two.  That meant seniors who had cars either had the pleasure of sleeping in and showing up at about 10AM (except on the days you might decide to skip that 3rd period class too.)  Some might also aspire to getting free periods on either side of lunch so you could take off for a couple hours each day.  I don't remember much talk about wanting the last two periods of the day free.  I don't think leaving school grounds was actually allowed but I know there was zero enforcement.

I never made it to Slackerville High.  We moved to another state and I started high school there.  What I found out, rather quickly, is that kids there cared.  

Kid: "What foreign language are you taking?"
Me: "I'm not taking a foreign language."
Kid: "Oh - I guess you don't want to go to college then."
Me: "What?"

Back then, a foreign language was a requirement for most colleges.  Never met any kid from Slackerville who knew that.  

Because I finished junior high in my other state, I entered high school in my new state as a sophomore.  I strolled into Biology class on Day One and took a seat in the back.  The bell rang and the teacher laid it out in a very stern tone that we could expect homework every night, frequent quizzes, plenty of tests, and he would be calling on us in class to answer questions about the previous night's homework.

I immediately made an appointment to replace the class.  I showed up the next day, not having done any of the homework and OF COURSE the teacher called on me to answer a question.  I told him I didn't do the homework.  He asked, rather sternly, why not.  I told him it was because I was going to drop the class.  He said, "Oh.  Okay" and moved on.  I replaced Biology with Life Science.  I eventually learned to care, but it was not like flipping a switch.

That was 1982.  Today I gave that biology teacher a ride to and from a doctor's appointment because I had the opportunity to be helpful and this is the last line of the story.

"There isn't a day in my life when I don't think of it."

There's been much talk about and fun poked at the Jerry Lewis movie called "The Day the Clown Cried".  Written and directed by (and starring) Jerry, it was an attempt at finding a line somewhere between comedy and poignancy in the Holocaust.  

Plot spoiler alert: that line doesn't exist.  

Schadenfreude spoiler alert: Jerry knew it first.  

The movie was never released because Jerry hated it.  He owned the only copies and they are locked away.  A potential screening has been discussed, to take place 50 years after he has passed away, but ever since the movie was completed, there's been a perverse desire by many to get a look at what may very well be the worst movie ever made - no doubt so they can make fun of it.  There is one person outside of Jerry's immediate circle who has seen it, and that person described it as "wrongheaded" which I think is a shining example of someone finding the perfect word.

Jerry knew he'd laid an egg, but it gets much worse than that.  It was a failure that completely knocked him on his ass and I think just about took the wind out of his sails forever.  Consider he made 27 movies in the 14-year span from 1957 to 1970.  "Clown..." was completed in 1972, went unreleased, and he made no more movies until 1980.  It essentially put the brakes on his career.  There wasn't anything of note past this save for his bit part in Scorsese's outstanding "The King of Comedy".

You could blame it on getting older and falling out of fashion, but Jerry was so embarrassed by the work he did in "Clown..." it haunted him for the rest of his life.  He usually refused to answer any questions about it.  He would get upset when people tried to bring it up.  He was shocked that he could have made something so awful.  Shocked that he poured his heart and soul into something that ended up being not only the worst thing he's ever seen, but possibly the worst thing anyone could ever see.  Goofball "Martin and Lewis" Jerry spent the rest of his years shellshocked by his own wrongheadedness.  "There isn't a day in my life when I don't think of it" is a quote from an interview 44 years after the film was completed.  

We're supposed to stay optimistic and keep trying, keep creating and moving forward.  After all this, I think there's probably a lesson here about the creative process.  Also one about learning to handle failure.  Maybe something about succumbing to imposter syndrome.  Jerry was probably dumbfounded that he stepped so far outside himself, and I'm sure spent much time thinking he was a fraud.  People can goof all they want on this movie and take easy potshots at it forever, but none of that could ever come close to affecting Jerry in a way that surpasses his own torture over it.  God forbid any of us should be so scorned by our own creativity.

[Edit: or our own addition to Percodan.  By this point in his life, Jerry was hooked on pills. “In 1965, they gave me one Percodan that took me through  the day. And by ’78, I was taking 13 a day, 15 a day.“  We can do the math to figure out how many he was likely up to in 1972.  The whole “Clown…” fiasco was probably a drug-addled endeavor, and I’d bet his lack of creative output afterward was directly related to his steady diet of pain pills.

Anal

Do you think we could stop with that word already?  If I live to be a thousand I don't think I'll ever understand how the word "anal" so comfortably crept into the public vernacular.  On a recent trip through my local grocery store I heard one stock clerk tell the other, "When I stocked dairy I used to be, like, really anal about it..."

Oh man - I really don't need those images so closely juxtaposed.

Of course (except not at all "of course") he was referring to some deep, deep Freudian theory that I am quite sure is understood by less than 7% of the people who keep saying "anal."  It's not a polite way of calling yourself an asshole.  It really is referring to the anus.  It's not a synonym.  Or a homonym.  Anal-retentiveness is a peculiar and pretty useless theory, no doubt fueled by lots of cocaine, about psychological issues that may arise during toilet training.  

Now for some reason this one didn't catch on, but according to Freud, the other choice is to be anal-expulsive.  Maybe this is too vivid?  I don't know - should I be asking people who say they are anal to be more specific?  

"I can be really anal about things."
"Oh.  Retentive or expulsive?"

"...[blink]"

Guess who's coming out of that conversation looking like the idiot?  It's the one who sort of knows what they're talking about.  I can also envision this conversation turned around another way...

"I'm really particular - almost obsessive about how I do some things."

"Oh. Anal?"

"Did we really need to invoke the anus here?"

"...[blink]"

I'm not sure who won that round either.  This is all just one big race to the... bottom.

Sorry.

Free Up

It's possible that technology is making us more rude.

I'm not a luddite or against the general vibe of the whole tech world.  Yes, there's plenty of useless stuff out there but I'm heavily in favor of us keeping at it.  There's some smart, helpful stuff along with the stupid stuff no one needs.

I don't think it's just me but isn't there a vision of how a technologically advanced society is supposed to be more refined?  If all of life's mundane tasks are automated, we'll supposedly be better off not having to distract ourselves from more important things.

I'm finding the opposite to be true.  I know there was an animated movie some time ago about how a fully automated society made everyone fat and lazy (I mean... of course) but I think you can just about prove scientifically that society is more rude now than it was 50 years ago.  We've never lived in a Utopia, but people randomly flipped fewer cars over back then.  I kind of wonder if the ability to indulge in this sort of behavior might come from having too much free time.  

"Man - I'd love to flip that car with you guys but I gotta go buy some food to cook for dinner."

Well now you can have food delivered to you just about anytime, anywhere simply by tapping a few things on your screen.  That chore otherwise occupied a certain amount of brain space, and that space has now been freed up.  Of course you don't have to flip cars and you don't have to order food, but there are a great number of things in life that have been similarly simplified, freeing up previously occupied brain space.

That space isn't always being filled in ways we might hope for.  Or maybe I should say it isn't really giving dumb people more time to study.  Sorry - that was rude.

CONSTITUENCY

"Nobody questions the process when the vote falls their way."

I don't think I've quite gotten this off my chest so I'm going around one more time on it.  Sorry.

We seem to have quite a few states in this country that are really, really against abortion.  I think a problem is that too many people disconnect the "state" from its people.  The State in this context is comprised of a representative governing body.  It's not a dictatorship.  It's a bunch of people who were elected, and ostensibly uphold the majority public interest.  I'm sure you've heard of the concept of politicians changing their point of view to gain votes to help ensure re-election.  Abortion is one of few true no-compromise issues and, politics being what they are, I have to question how many politicians really care much one way or another about the issue and are just chasing after votes.  Scoff if you want but I didn't just make up that point of view.  

Some states have very strong anti-abortion laws, not (just) because their politicians are evil, but because it's what the majority of people in that state want and voted for.  Our system of government has spoken.  If most people in Texas wanted abortion rights, they'd have them.  Why wouldn't they?  Nobody questions the process when the vote falls their way.  If most Texans hated Ted Cruz, he'd be out.  That might take close to six years, but there is a process for it.  Same goes for the other states who oppose abortion.  I know there are people in these states that think abortion should be a right, but those people are simply in the voting minority, and as far as the process is concerned, nothing else much matters.  "Sorry.  We took a vote." pretty much ends all arguments.  The best you can do is try to change some minds and get people to vote again.

The narrative too often seems to be that we have anti-abortion laws because some states are run by assholes, but the more accurate assessment is that this is what the assholes who live in those states wanted.  And don't forget they probably think you're an asshole for not agreeing with them.  You might be as right as anything has ever been, but you need to get out there and convince others that's true.  "You're wrong and you're a hateful asshole!" doesn't bring about much change.