Wednesday, October 31, 2007

"Magically" Delicious?

Lucky Charms - Marshmallows = Meow Mix

This could explain why the Charms are 9 for 9 in making me feel sick afterwards. Just a thought.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Things You Really Don't Want

See this?

Yeah. You don't want this.

That ain't the Wall of Death in there, you furry little rat. Scram.

Right, except the little fucker can't scram. That's why he's... never mind. I got a fuckin' squirrel in my fireplace, alright? And I mean in my fireplace. Now what? I need a plan, that's what. I have no idea what the plan will be, but I know it will require a motivational soundtrack in the form of

"The Sound Waves Reversing" by Man Or Astro-Man? This will set the tone/provide the proper motivation, should you ever find yourself in a similar situation. You need just the right piece of motivational music to afford you the level of aggression you need to really get your head in the game. Find yourself a copy of this and I think you'll agree. Now picture yourself in the car on the way to the hardware store, where you're going to find something...

Rat poison? Maybe I can just toss some of that in there. Great, except I can't exactly find rat poison and the D-Con I found promises results in four to five days, and that's just for mice.

Rat trap? Waaaaiit a minute...

Yes indeed. Rat trap it shall be. To the VICTOR go the spoils of dead squirrel.

And this is where I skip the part about almost losing a finger trying to set this goddamn thing.


What - did I have to open the fireplace doors with a squirrel in there that was trying to get out?
Did I do that with one hand and try to place a really, really touchy fucking rat trap in there with the other?
What - and I didn't take a picture of that?

Sometimes he would get the shit scared out of him and scramble his way up to the flue. I opened the door and got lucky that he didn't jump at me and pull a vein out of my neck while the doors were open and I was holding an armed rat trap.

Let's not revisit that concept, 'kay?

Everything likes peanut butter, but squirrel-ass could not be persuaded. He wasn't interested. I went to bed. I heard no trap go all night. Next morning, nothing. I took off for a couple of hours in the AM, and when I came home the trap was tripped, but no sign of Moose or Squirrel. No way did little Rocky wriggle his way out of the trap. Not sure what's up now. Are you telling me this nasty little trap isn't going to work?

I saw someone on the Internet had a huge page on dealing with squirrels in your fireplace, and they put in huge letters "DO NOT TRY TO SMOKE A SQUIRREL OUT OF A CHIMNEY" so I figured I ought to give that a try.

(Well, the advice came off the Internet, right? That should've been your first sign.)

But this one sheet didn't make that much smoke and Furry McParasite didn't seem to give a shit. I didn't feel like pushing my luck with the door thing, either.

So I go in again with the trap, only this time with a couple of pumpkin seeds stuck in some peanut butter. It's freakin' Spago in there for that glorified little rodent. I opened the fireplace doors and we weren't going to revisit this concept, right? Right.

Nothing. All day long, nothing. I take off again for a couple of hours only to return to find this:

A dead squirrel. A tripped rat trap. Two separate locations.

What. The. Hell.

My guess is severe tachycardia possibly accompanied by a magnesium deficiency. But that's just a guess. I honestly don't know. Let's not question it. Let's shut the chimney cap and just move on.

No, let's shut it all the way this time, okay? Yup, the fireplace guy told you that "You might want to leave that open a little, just to create an upward draft so you don't get any soot odor in the house."

Yup. Wouldn't want any of that.

If I learned anything in all of this, it's that it feels quite odd to pick up a dead squirrel before rigor mortis has set in. Usually when you pick up an animal, it uses some of its muscles to, well, to generally keep its shape, I suppose. A dead squirrel is kind of like a lumpy bag of Jell-O brand gelatin without all the fun.

There. That's my advice for when you get one in your house. You're welcome.

Friday, October 26, 2007


I'll save you the trouble. Just put a large, empty bowl on your porch with a sign...

"Take One"


Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Compact Fluorescent: Um... no.

Did you go buy your compact fluorescent light bulbs yet?


Don't go buying into all that CFL B.S. That isn't what's going to save the planet. Yeah, you'll be all impressed that they use only 25% of the power and last ten times as long as incandescents, but keep looking, Pecos Joe. There's more story to hear.

They keep working on it, but the light they produce generally looks like shit (what, with the subtle strobing and slight blue cast.) Oh, and the bulbs contain mercury. Oh, and they give off small amounts of UV, which really isn't good for the eyes and also eats your Vitamin A. Oh, and there's a much better solution. Oh, and the solution is crazy expensive.

LED bulbs are awesome. Compact fluorescent bulbs look like energy hogs next to LED's that use less than half the power and last at least five times as long. They don't get hot, either. They're also really, really expensive. Did I mention that? Google it.

Do you have a 70W light bulb in your lamp? An LED bulb that's just as bright uses 9W. That's about 1/8 the power. There. You just cut your light bill by 87%. Get 100W of light from a 10W LED bulb. There. That's 1/10 the power. Better? Oh, and the bulbs will last you 12 years @ 12 hours/day at least. 100k hours is not out of the question.

Do you like Christmas lights? Notice they don't make any compact fluorescent Christmas lights? You haven't noticed that? Well they don't. But they do make LED Christmas lights, and yes, they use a lot less power, and yes, they don't heat up and burn your tree -> house down. Wait, you live in a tree house?

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Novel or Memoir?

Either way, here's the cover.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007


If, while totally minding your own business just driving along, you ever get completely cut off in traffic and someone displays the most lengthy of their digits to you, don't make the mistake of following them into the parking lot where they turn off. Here's why:

1) Why are you doing this?
You're upset a little, huh? Yes it was the car in front of you that was the hold up. Yes that move did have just the right combo of asininity/defiance, but...

2) What are you going to say?
Better have a plan. Might be best to just leave it at "Pretty confused out there, aren't you? Take it easy on the middle finger, sweetheart" and then drive off. You could swear him up and down, yes, but then you'd better be prepared for something.

3) Where's it going to go?
In the grand scheme of things, would it be really smart for it to lead to something? I mean, even if you did manage to sucker-punch him right in the diaphragm and you just drive off while he sits there and enjoys a couple of minutes without breath, courtesy of you, you've got a license plate on that car of yours, and guess what? The parking lot he pulled into happens to be that of the DMV. Not so good.

4) You don't want to hear the explanation.
I suppose the shit-eating grin you got when he got out of his car and saw you there is about all you're really going to get out of it. Better be happy with that, because all you're going to get beyond it is pretzel logic that, well, it turns out I'm actually the asshole.

Hey - how about that?