Monday, April 09, 2007

Nature's Way

This AM I received an e-mail from Dad. The subject heading was "Today's Death Toll"and it read as follows:

1 small iguana at about 12 PM
1 medium (4 ft long) Florida moccasin (cottonmouth) at about 3 PM.
Absolutely classic pit viper arrow shaped head, blackish gray color with
somewhat lighter, wide vertical gray stripes.
Dispatched with Winchester Air rifle, 800 FPS with 1 stroke, full wooden stoke, heavy...over 6 pounds, .177 cal pellet or BB. I don't use BBs.

Alright then. Dad extinguished a snake, and perhaps an errant iguana. Last I heard of this was a few years back when he discovered a coral snake in his backyard. Attractive design on those coral snakes. They're really timid, too. Yeah, they are the most venomous in North America, but like most snakes, they just want to go hide. No big deal. Snakes aren't usually much to get worked up about. Just don't step on one.

Wasn't exactly sure where Dad was coming from with the whole iguana genocide, but he later informs with this:

The iguanas are real pests. They are not native to Florida, not a protected species either. They have no natural enemies (well, except alligators and crocs) eat flowers, shrubs and SHIT on decks and docks (MY dock) with gay abandon! They need to be eradicated...I'm
happy to oblige.

Man, I had no idea they were gay. Really makes sense though. Those tails. Come on.

Then at about 5PM today, this comes via e-mail:
(And pictures, to boot:)

Got another cottonmouth in same location, only this time used the .22 pistol with rat shot. Also got 2 large iguanas.

Look - I don't mind snakes, but from what I've seen, read, and tried to understand about these cottonmouths, they are really aggressive and quite venomous, and most of them frankly are just complete assholes. Just real attitude problems. They have very strong jaws which gives them a tendency to bite and not let go. Little fuckers. That's just rude. Their venom is quite effective and... Christsakes - you've got freakin' venom already, just bite, inject, and let the fuck GO. That holding on is just bullshit. Jesus, what assholes. Snake fuckers.


Nato said...

We have this octogenarian friend who told us a story about this huge pile of rocks in his back yard that was once home to a (school? gaggle? horde?) of snakes. Probably not poisonous snakes, this being Hinesburg, VT, and all, but snakes nonetheless, and all creepy snaky in the way that only snakes can truly be.

So one day he decides he's had enough of being landlord to this footless flock, so he douses the rock mound with a fire accelerant, lights a match, and FWOOOMF!, Jesus gets a whole new (cohort? minion? choir?) of snake angels.

One morning a year later, he wakes up to find that his back yard has now become absolutely infested with frogs. Not Biblical plague material, but he wouldn't be setting up the chaise-lounge any time soon. His conclusion: Those snakes hadn't been put on Earth for his pyrotechnic amusement. They had been put on earth to keep the local frogs in check, and now that he had removed the predators, the prey were partying like his property was amphibian Club 54.

Feel free to pass along that story to your dad. I only ask, in keeping with Creative Commons licensing, that you not modify it, you give me full attribution, and you donate a blog posting to rail against the evils of the RIAA or the SIIA, take your pick.

owner said...

Oh man! He'll love the part about the fire.