Nectar's

Nectar's really was like the touchstone of our young lives. It was home base. If you were going to get together with friends and go out for the evening, you at least met there to decide where you were going. You might go to another place for a bit, but usually you'd step back in to Nectar's just to reconnoiter. It was as much a lounge as anything else. It always had live music, so I dare say the place held extra meaning for those of us touched in that particular way. Also, it never charged a cover.

The food was fantastic and fantastically bad for you. The staff were all long-serving employees and each one was a character that helped color the whole experience. In a lot of ways it was like high school. There were cliques and circles of friends - some you could hang with, some you would just smile and nod at. Different nights of the week had slightly different personalities depending on which band was playing, but even if it wasn't your kind of night, the food was always there for you and if you timed it right you could show up during set break and eat in relative peace. So even if you weren't "going out" that night, you still stopped in to this place to connect with your central nervous system. And on the nights when you were there to see the band, you saw and heard some stuff you'd never forget.

You could probably describe Nectar on paper and most people would think "Yeah - I got it" but it couldn't really tell the story of his significance. The most involved owner you'll ever see. He didn't just make all this possible, he fostered it. But it's not like he cultivated or curated it. He just built the perfect platform for the time and let the community express itself through it. It was just meant to be. This word never gets used in a positive light anymore, but Nectar was the enabler. He was also a bit of a guiding light. Your band better start at 9PM sharp though.

Even though the current "Nectar's" is closing for good (and in this case I mean "for the better") the real Nectar's finished long ago when the avuncular Greek we all knew and loved sold it and retired (and took with him the best breakfast ever served.)

It became a very different place after that. Generations after might have valued other things more, but they never had the chance to refute what we all thought was a good time. They created their own version of Nectar's, but that's partly because they had to.

Today they may wax prosaic about what the place meant to them, but just know they were paying a cover charge and watching a "headliner" that has long since disappeared. We were dodging horrible covers of "Brown Eyed Girl" while enjoying a bowl of turkey soup and a slice of blueberry pie before heading across the street to play pinball.

The Nectar's of the 1980's could never be forgotten and is the reason the Nectar's of today lasted as long as it did, and while this really seems like the part where I should say "We'll miss you, Nectar's!" the truth is most of us said that 35 years ago. The thing we loved was never coming back. So goodbye, whatever that thing is today. It was time for you to go. If it's meant to be, something original will take your place.

Erosion

 Well we ruined it.  Way to go, everyone.  We've thrown every barb, jab, and downright personal affront at every one of our presidents over the last 25 years.  The bar of decorum has been lowered almost to the floor.  Who in their right mind would want the job now?

No one.  No one in their right mind.   Which means we've pretty well guaranteed ourselves that we'll only ever have presidents who can't see straight.  The only people who are going to want the job will be the ones so clouded by ego that there's no way they could serve the country's best interest.  

The argument of course is that each of these presidents has done despicable things; reached levels of incompetence and evil so low that the opposition are thoroughly justified in their reaction.  Maybe, but only if you have that much animus to begin with.  I don't think you can blame the President for dragging it out of you.  Don't try to convince me (or yourself) that it's just your passion for your country that made you print up those "I did that!" stickers, or made you chant "Let's go Brandon!" or create a day-calendar of 365 "Bushisms" to remind people of quotes that weren't his most eloquent.

Just like it's not a good look to trash anybody, I think it's never been a good look to trash the President.  I'm not even talking about respect for the office.  I'm just talking about going off on somebody.  It's generally not well received.  When they go after the President, people think they're in the clear.  It probably makes them feel intelligent and informed to be able to challenge a President's policy on... anything. 

But there's an erosion taking place.  When we stop checking each other as the insults start to fly, the bar keeps lowering.

 

"Slick Willie" - Clinton

"Worst President Ever" - Bush 43 

"Socialist in Chief" - Obama

"Orange Man Bad" - Trump 45

"Fuck Joe Biden" - [you... you figured out which one this was, right?] 

"Fascist, Loofa-Faced Shit-Gibbon" Trump 47

 

So what's left?  What do we call the next president we hate?  And you know, no matter who it is, plenty of people are going to hate whoever it is.  "I love the country so much, I called our new president the most foul thing you've ever heard anyone say!"  Well congratulations on your performative outrage.  I hope it sells you a lot of merch.  And God bless America!

Toxic!

Kinda too bad that "toxic" has become a buzzword.  Nuclear waste is toxic.  Sulfuric acid is toxic.  Those are things that, y'know... kill you almost instantly?  Behaviors generally don't.  They might be abhorrent.  They might be emotionally devastating, but they aren't toxic.  

Doesn't matter though because language and communication today are more emotionally driven than ever, and the word "toxic" is highly charged, so that makes it the perfect choice.  It's all part of Rage Culture®, which I will not rehash here.

Masculinity has really been the main target of this adjective.  There's a concern that men are severely damaging themselves emotionally because of intense pressure to conform to some (unpublished) masculine ideal.  I don't know that there's an owner's manual that defines the masculinity that all men are supposed to strive for, but I'm assured it's out there!

Here's where I say something sexist...  

I think a lot of men just gravitate towards behaviors that have been pinned as toxic.  We don't tend to ask each other how we're feeling mentally.  We don't usually talk about our wives or kids or any family members.  We make up stupid jokes.  We talk about repairs.  We really tend to focus on things different from what women focus on, and I'm here to tell you, it isn't because we're forcing ourselves to think of these things.  We're not, secretly inside, hoping one of our buddies will start talking about an emotional issue so that we can all finally let our guard down and cry together.  Some of us don't even have much ability to cry. 

Of course some men aren't quite wired this way, which is totally fine, but the simple fact is those dudes won't really be able to hang out with the guys who are wired that way.  No different than how a group of guys that want to talk about NASCAR all day won't be seen with the ones who want to talk about Dungeons and Dragons, even if all these guys want to cry.

So go easy with your opinion of toxic men.  We're just following a genetic code that makes us the louche knuckle-draggers you so love to hate to love.  Plus, we went through all this shit with Phil Donahue like a thousand years ago.  We became sensitive men.  We bought sweaters.  It didn't stick.  Don't expect this will, either.