Saturday, January 20, 2007

By Popular Demand

Many of you have written in asking for something, even if I have to make it up. In the spirit of this, here's something.

At the gas station, I'm just about to start fueling up when I hear someone behind me ask, "Do you have strong thumbs?" I seized this opportunity and whipped around and gave an enthusiastic double thumbs up. Somewhere, Fonzie went "Aaayyyy".

False. I just said, "What do you need" and turned to find an older woman in a strangely purple jacket. She told me she couldn't get her gas cap off and thought maybe it was frozen or something. Expecting anything, I went over and unscrewed it in about a second-and-a-half. I don't credit myself here so much as I discredit osteoporosis. Just a guess.

I went back to my car and stood there in that nasty-ass breeze and tried to pump some fuel. The pumps at this station won't lock on, so you have to just stand there and wait for your 15 gallons of fuel to pump. Guess again. I'll fill the tank if I can sit in the car while it pumps, but since the owner of this station decided I can't, I've decided that I'm going to spend less than half of what I'd planned. Bye.

So after the gas station visit, I headed off to four different stores in four different places. Then I drove to a grocery store that I haven't visited in probably ten years. Total elapsed time was probably near 30 minutes. Arrive at the grocery store parking lot, and what do I see? Why it's the old lady with the purple coat. That's kind of weird.

I found a spot right next to her, got out and said, "Hey! 'Member me?"
"No" she said.
"I'm the guy from the gas station."
"I pump my own gas" she said.

That was all so off-putting that rather than try and set her straight, I just said, "Piss off, lady" got back in my car and peeled out. Ingrate. Honestly. Some people...


False. I did see her, but I just kept driving. I figured that any exchange we might have would be pretty creepy at best. Odd coincidence, though.

And I remembered that I hate that grocery store, so I picked another one. Have you noticed this trend of hiring mentally retarded people to work as baggers now? I'm all for it, I suppose. I can tell you that this grocery store has fully embraced the trend. Now, having spent a lot of time around both my retarded uncle and severely retarded cousin for much of my life, I feel a special sort of kinship with the 'tards. Those goofy bastards feel like home to me. It just seems that this store has hired a bunch of particularly angry retards, as a couple of them seem to be ranting about something and pacing about. Created a bit of that "Um... is he about to do something?" tension in the checkout lanes. Maybe there's a hole or two in this plan. Don't know. I suppose that's the life of the 'tard. Some days you like Raffi; others, it's Pearl Jam.

Okay. I'm off to Hell. Hope you enjoyed the effort.

16 comments:

Nato said...

How come none of these otherwise-loyal fans leave comments?

Marshall Crenshaw said...

I ran into your brother at a deli in Kingston last week, and he gave me your web address. Yes, I really do still make money off of the Beatlemania thing. Hope that doesn’t make you want to “punch me in the head.” Ha ha. Great site. Keep it up!

Betty Furness said...

This site has tremendous and lasting value. Web consumers should feel confident in picking this as a worthy destination. I give it my full approval. Good job.

The Rock and Roll Animal said...

What? Wrapping tuna in a piece of lettuce and calling it a sandwich is some kind of big secret? Ooooooh... Get a life.

Sean Lennon said...

I am somewhat confused by all this.

Eric Clapton said...

Yes. This is not what I was expecting.

anonymous said...

Ha! Raffi/Pearl Jam.
So true!

Anonymous said...

Oh shit! Can you please delete my comment. I maybe didn't think that one through.

Vana White said...

That's so funny! I totally pump my own gas, too!

Stevie Wonder said...

What does this say?

Mrs. Fleishman said...

I would say you've come a long way since the 1st grade, but you sure haven't.

Sting, Andy, and Stewart said...

It was 30 years ago (can you believe it) that "Roxanne" hit the airwaves. Your site has us seriously thinking about getting back together to commemorate this somehow.

"Keep it up!"

Philip J. Fry said...

"Ugh. It's like there's a party in my mouth, and everyone's throwing up."

John Glenn said...

This Is Not A Blog is the reason I became a pilot.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention said...

Please contact us.

Salma Hayek said...

Don't shut it down. It means so much to me. I love you.