Fred the Tobacco Store

A lot of people call here asking if I can please take a look at their piss for them. I know I'm just a few simple and well considered responses away from having a sample sent to me via bonded courier, and I know there's a serious gag to be played here somewhere, but I'm not so sure it's one I want to be part of. Still, the invitations keep coming.

If you work in the medical field, you really should verify just who the hell you're speaking to before you get to the, y'know, "business" at hand. In other words, don't be so damn quick to send off some really important piss as soon as someone picks up your call. If you don't hear "Urology lab, this is Cathy" or similar, proceed no further. Heed this advice my pee-pee friends; get a name up front. Also, when it comes to urine, be suspect of anyone named "Cathy". Could be short for something really painful. Just a heads-up.

Pizza is another story, though. Most misdialers have the excuse that they're drunk (or at least their intoxication is understandable.) Then again, working around whiz all day, I guess I can see how you might want to hit the sauce now and again just to cope. Then once more again, pizza drunks tend to call during the "wee" hours of the morning... I don't know. Something's up.

Anyway, here's your classic pizza call from 3:30AM:

[RING]
"Hello?"
"Yeah... I didn't call Leonardo's! Shut the hell up! NO, dude! Yeah, I need a large barbeque chicken."
"Yeah, try calling Dominoes."
"Oh, okay."
[CLICK]

And like that. My number, which I've had for damn near 20 years, is only a few drunken digits away from the fastest and most horrible pizza $5.99 can buy. I could just as easily take orders and few on the collegiate drinking squad would ever know, but where's the payoff for me - another call in 40 minutes wondering where the fuck's my pizza, dude? I'll pass.

So I guess you've got your everyday non detail-oriented healthcare workers, your drunk pizza lovers (seriously, barbeque chicken pizza at 4AM and then, what - bedtime? I believe this combination has the potential to actually kill you) and then there's this guy, which is a new one on me.

9:30AM, weekday morning
[RING]
"Hello?"
"Oh - do I have the wrong number?"
"You might."
"Is this Fred the tobacco store?"
"Sorry."
"Alright. Heh-heh. Thanks."
[CLICK]

Well there's a first-timer. That one may actually have been just a wrong number.