Saturday, May 12, 2007

CSI: Mouse

Those bizarre noises from the other night? Yeah. Not solved after all.

You know, just a few days ago I was sitting myself in a chair in plain view of the rest of the room. Pretty sure I saw something. The plant moved. I thought I saw something making a break for it. I decided to just focus on why the plant moved. It was an ivy kind of thing and I just figured one of the stems musta fell. Also, you know what? I really don't feel like dealing with a damn mouse right now. Let's just ignore it, pretend it was nothing, and go back to trying to decide whether or not Cuddy is hot. Unsure, really.

So the noise comes back a few days later. We had all just gone to bed so it was pretty quiet around here, which means that this time everyone heard it. Dammit. No getting around it; the slacker approach had officially run its course. Time to meet the mouse.

He was camping out under the stove and chewing on something - which is not good. There are three things to chew under there. One is a vent - no big deal. The other two choices are the natural gas and 220V lines. If the mouse decided that any particular leg of a 220V line looked like a decent snack, and he took a decent chomp, the ensuing voltage would pop him like a balloon. Cool - except for the mess and the rewiring. If he decided to snack on the flexible gas line, well, you're reading this, so obviously he didn't.

How dumb are mice? Yeah, the gas line is yellow, but fuckin'-A...
Éste no es queso there, Topo Gigio.

OK, whatever. Let's get right to the police report.

Crime scene 1
After an unsuccessful reach-and-grab, suspect moved from under stove to behind refrigerator.
Suspect was then cornered by the refrigerator and appeared temporarily transfixed by the flashlight shining directly in its eyes.

While Officer B. held suspect at bay with mezmerizing and beautiful light, Officer in Command (OIC) procured weapons for disposal of suspect.

Crossman "Medalist" model 1322, .22cal pump-action pellet gun
Crossman .22cal "Super Pells" lead pellets (175 count)
"Cracker Barrel" brand sharp white Cheddar cheese

In order to minimize collateral damage and personal injury to the OIC (Officer B. already being well out of the line of fire), and due to the lack of familiarity with the firepower of a weapon which the officer had not fired since his early teens (and at anything other than army men during that time) and recalling that the weapon did pack a pretty good punch, and also taking into account that he would be firing indoors, a three-pump round was fired into the corner behind the refrigerator, directly at the suspect.

The round remained intact. The lack of use of appropriate firepower would prove pivotal.

After a brief period of what the OIC described as "some freaking out" the suspect ran around to the living room and holed up under some furniture. An immediate search was ordered. At this point, the suspect's status is switched to "perpetrator".

Examining the scene of the shooting, officers observed a small trail of blood leading from the scene of the shooting.

Perpetrator is clearly injured

A positive visual ID is then made of the perpetrator.

The officers again employed the use of the bright and mesmerizing flashlight and remained in a standoff for sometime with flashlight fixed on the perp, waiting for him to "bleed out". The wait was significant, and the perp remained surprisingly nimble despite the obvious injury to his left rear leg.

Several minutes of chasing the perp from one end of the room to the other ensued, but to no avail. The search effort was then escalated.

Crime scene 2

As other implements were incorporated into the search (broom, medium sized towel) officers finally devised a plan involving a fireplace poker and and a 1.5qt Tupperware brand plastic bowl.

As the perpetrator jockeyed back and forth between a large radiator and a 10" powered subwoofer, the officers were able to trap said perp under the 1.5qt Tupperware brand bowl.

I got you, you little fucker!

At this point, a piece of poster paper and phone book were procured to assist in the removal and ultimate release of said little fucker. Officer B. was reluctant to give up poster paper, claiming, "I don't know. I hate to waste a whole sheet on a mouse." OIC noted, "Well, it's for science."

The following photo is included because OIC believes he looks a bit like Elvis in it.

OIC would like to note that he does not in fact have muttonchops or live in a particularly well-defined "ghetto".

The perpetrator was then removed from the scene and taken to a nearby path, approximately 100yds. away. The bowl, poster board and phone book assembly was dropped on the ground.

Well... do something.

Perpetrator eventually climbed his way out to freedom or certain death. Whichever came first.

Case closed at 12:01AM


Anonymous said...

We got a big cat with big claws because we could hear the mice scampering around and scratching. Now we can hear a big cat scampering around after mice scampering around, then crunching. Mmmmm... mouse heads and torso cleanup. It's just like the Sopranos with fur.

lorraine said...

what makes you think 100 yards will do it occifer?

owner said...

One of the officers noted that, past 100yds, it was really dark and scary out.

lorraine said...

i guess the crutches will be a tell tale sign

Nato said...

Elvis? Si. Elvis dice con desprecio para su ratón.