No You Can't Live Here

Squatter.



Look, I had the garage door open all of like two seconds, and this furry-ass little pecker comes waddling in, makes a bee-line for the useless junk in the corner and just parks it. Little shit. Pretty uncool of you to mock my inability to keep a clean garage. People just keep giving me stuff. What am I supposed to do? I don't ski or snowboard, but damn it all, I've got 'em both should I ever get the urge to strap on old gear that doesn't really work or fit quite right.

Yeah, so in runs this dorky little furball and I'm sitting there thinking it's probably pretty easy to scare away. I'm also hoping it's some explanation for the bizarre noises I heard the other night. Still haven't quite put my finger on that one.

Reasoning with it didn't work. Approaching the corner with a calm voice and saying, "Dude, you're gonna have to leave. Can't stay here at aaalllll" totally didn't work. Shouting "Beat it!" - also no go.

Next up - superball. I figured the zany bouncing around action would startle the thing out of there. Nothing.

Alright. Let's amp it up to a baseball. A nice, friendly thud with one of these should be all it needs, right? No. Fuzzy don't really seem to care.

Wow. Ski pole? Let's give that a try. Gave it a good prod, but it didn't care for the looks of the rest of the garage so it doubled back and decided to have a grab at the pole. Are you serious? What kind of balls does this thing have?

Alright. Screw this. Where's the goddamn grass rake?



Right. Done and done. Don't mess with the Agway 14 tooth, steel ferrule, 66-inch Model 457. Suck on that you squirrelly bitch. Now git! And away the little turd did run.

Okay, now before you call the ASPCA or Dr. Doolittle or Kentucky Fried Chicken or whatever, understand that I am trying to live with all the wildlife I've got around my little urban animal haven. I know I've said that I didn't want kitty in my house. I know I have previously cheered on the killing of certain snakes (seriously, just the assholey ones.) I know we have a massive skunk problem in my neighborhood and I am currently exploring my options in that area, but I will not be branded a wildlife-hater.

Check it...


I let a robin build her nest on top of my porch light. She spent a couple days gathering weeds and junk to put this bitch together. It's not like she just slapped it up when my back was turned. It made a freakin' mess out of my porch, but I was cool. It's a daily inconvenience to me because I can't open the door without this little thing freaking out and flying off as such...



...only to show up 15 secs. later on the power line, chewing my ass out and threatening to swoop down and pull a goddamned vein out of my neck. "Christ, bird. I'm just gettin' the paper here. You're the guest. Why don't you try acting like one. I'm not going to eat your babies. Don't be such a fucking ingrate."

I tried, vis-a-vis the repeated sweeping away of pre-nest gatherings, to give the hint to this bird that this may not be the best spot for it, but she kept after it and I just let her take it. I'm so feeble with the ladies.

And the mailman ain't so cool on the whole thing either, but I suffer through this every time I need to use the front door. And for what? More birds? Fine. Whatever. But the fucking garage is mine.