Monday, May 21, 2007

Yer Bagels

If your bagels don't look at least a little like this, you're getting the wrong ones.

Montreal never did much for me, but they have figured out how to make these little round breads. Some might even call them "Montreal-style bagels" but that just sounds like fancy talk to me.


If you don't have some rotund Canadien with two spent shoulders slicing, rolling, and working on a lifetime ERA of over two-million bagels (every one he makes is a home run, eh?), you might be missing out on something. Also, your bagel maker should be a NASCAR or Speed Metal fan.


If you can't see fire somewhere near (preferably right near) where your bagels are made, you may not actually be eating bagels. That cup there? Yup. Those are sesame seeds. Not for the bagels; for the fire. Try it sometime. Cheap entertainment that also smells good. A rare combo if ever there was.


Finally, if your "bagels" don't spontaneously leap off the long wooden plank (despite your baker's attempt to grab it back) in an orgasmic burst of intense bagel flavor and land on top of all the other bagels to form one huge lesbian bagel orgy, then you are in the wrong place. You have probably just been eating round-ish bread. Perhaps it is even a donut.

2 comments:

Nato said...

(Wipes drool off of chin) I think I could live on nothing more than bagels like these. Is this establishment located anywhere near your township, Mr. Dont-Call-It-A-Blog?

owner said...

From home, find Pine St. Turn right. Drive about 1/4 mile. Look for a red and white sign that says "Cafe Open" or something like that. Go there. Did you pull into a dirt parking lot full of potholes? Do you smell burnt wood? You found it.

You'll either eat these things once or be a customer for life.