Thursday, December 21, 2006

In Staunch Support of Mayonnaise

I let a lot of things slide. I don't need to challenge every viewpoint that doesn't meet with mine. Of course, every now and then you'll hear something that makes you speak up before you can even censor yourself. This morning brought just such an occasion.

"You know, mayonnaise is actually a fairly healthy food."
"Mayonnaise is really bad for you."
"No, it's not bad for you. Look, it's got protein, calcium, soybean oil - soy is good for you. It doesn't have that much fat. Look, only 15%."
"Yeah, 15% of your whole day's supply."
"15%. That's nothing. That's a tiny amount."
"Yeah, but that's for like one shmear. What's it say? How much is that?"
"A tablespoon."
"A tablespoon? That ain't much mayo."
"Yes it is. It's a lot."
"You just put that much on your sandwich."
"No I didn't."
"Come on. A tablespoon?"
"Yeah. A tablespoon is a lot. I didn't use that much."

A tablespoon measure and a piece of bread are procured. Mayonnaise is scooped into the tablespoon.

"Now you're wasting food.
Boy, you just have to be right, don't you?"
"Look, we're both just talking out our asses here because neither one of us know exactly how much you put on."

Some mayonnaise is removed from the jar and...

"I didn't put that much on."
"How much did you put on then?"
"Half that. I could still see the bread under the mayo."
"OK, fine. Tell me when."
"Look. He's gonna waste all my mayo."
[3rd party] "It's ok. Dad will eat it."
"Dad doesn't need a mayonnaise sandwich. Don't worry about it. It's just a piece of bread. Tell me when."
"There. Let that little glob fall off."

"OK. That's like half a tablespoon."
"So 45 calories."
"For half a tablespoon?"
"45 calories isn't a lot."
"Well that much raw sugar is only 15 calories. That's quite a bit less. And consider the fat, too - I'd say mayo kind of packs a punch."
"But I'm not going to be using mayo all day."
"Yeah, but you just had bacon.
You probably hit your day's recommended limit and it isn't even noon yet."
"Well, bacon..."
"I'm just sayin' that's a pretty quick 15% to add in."
"Alright, so maybe healthy is the wrong word."
"Yeah. Maybe you meant to say 'Mayonnaise is the Devil'."
"It's not the Devil. A little won't hurt you."

Bet you wish you could have those three minutes back, too.

1 comment:

Nato said...

David Mamet is weeping with envy.

OK, maybe he just has allergies.