Friday, November 24, 2006


All I know is, it wasn't even 10AM and people are telling me we have to go so we can be there by 11AM, and even that will put us there late. I understand so little anymore. I just fired up the family truckster and we hit it. When I arrived on the scene I saw this...

Right. Pies. No problem. Next to the pies, I saw this...
which I did not so much get. It appears to be a "24" cake, perhaps in a hockey motif. Perhaps this is pilgrim related, somehow. I don't know. Best to just keep moving, I'd say.

Table looks nice. That's a good sign.

Of course, there was football.

...and kids.

...and people taking pictures of kids.

...and pictures of kids. Here Mom and Dad each take a picture because... because I really don't know why. Trust issues?

Almost seems like a competition between them now. Dad's all about the angles, though. Well, the angles and the stance.

But the festivities don't begin officially until the Lapping of The Property.

There. That's better.

Back inside, it looked very much like a social gathering. "Keys Guy" was there.

You know him, right? He's at most every function. Got the hip-mounted action pack loaded and ready to go, giving him immediate access to any of a dozen doors within a hundred mile radius of where he's currently standing, in case he needs to spring into action. And yeah, that looks like just a regular cell phone, but it also gives him the ability to melt things with his brain. You can get the whole shpiel at Radio Shack for like sixty bucks.

There was also plenty of holiday pinball, because that's what the Pilgrims would have wanted.

Later, a young girl was presented with gifts, though today is not her birthday, and she is not 24.

She received (among other things) a pair of soccer cleats. Pink on white. There exsist certain incompatabilities between some personalities in attendance at this gathering. Mr. Motorcycle, finding so-called "men's soccer" something of an oxymoron, made a comment that soccer cleats are only available in one other color option, that being pink on purple. Turns out, Keys Guy is something of a soccer fan. Mrs. Camera did not take kindly to the comment in any way whatsoever, and she tried to melt Mr. Motocycle's face just by using her eyes. Thank God she doesn't have a hip-mounted "cell phone".

Moving on, it was soon time to carve the bird. It was carved by a man who admitted he had no idea what he was doing, yet volunteered for the job, but he is a lawyer. This man also didn't seem to know that you could set something aflame just by microwaving the shit out of it. He shared the story about, ha ha, how his five-year-old boy put a bag of popcorn in the microwave and accidently set it for 23 minutes. They caught it after about seven minutes. The subject turned to catching stuff on fire. As if a light went on in his head, he asked, "Can you actually catch something on fire in the microwave?" which reminded Keys Guy of his very favorite show on cable, which happens to be my wife's least favorite show ever. We had to revert to a lot of polite smiling, which I suck at. Later, Turkey Lawyer suddenly became a fire expert and declared "People don't realize gasoline is an explosive, it's not an accelerant!" which is one of those comments that, well, you know he's wrong, but you don't have an encyclopedia handy to tell him exactly why. Anyway, he...

Well, yeah. He hacked the shit out of this thing. I actually took a pass on having bird this year. I don't eat a hell of a lot of meat anyway, so this was a pretty easy decision to make. I don't have any ethical issues with killing animals and eating them, but... I'm all set today, thanks. I'll stick to the trimmings. Let's have a look at those.

Uh... ok. They look like potatoes, but I can tell you that's more dairy than potato. Hey - is that the green bean/onion thing you always hear about? I thought people just joked about making that. There's a vegetable in there if you search hard enough. It, too, is covered in non-descript dairy product, because that's what the Pilgrims would have wanted.

Maybe I'll have another look at that bird.

To wrap up the festivities, Keys Guy and Mr. Motorcycle enjoyed a friendly game of traditional foosball. It was important, for family relations, that Keys Guy emerged victorious.

It's my opinion that Mr. Motorcycle recognized this and I believe he did a fairly suave job of ensuring a slightly happier Thanksgiving for at least one holiday couple. And it turns out, the cell phone thing wouldn't work on him.

1 comment:

Nato said...

Someday, this "not a blog" will have so many readers that you'll have to ration the pageviews. Until then, let me say that "This is NOT a blog" is the reason they invented the Internet. Well done! (Like that green bean/onion thing that you thought people only joked about.)